Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Smoking Trees

I want to smoke weed. I have been craving it for the past week and a half but I have not given in. I just want to role a fat blunt, sit down outside and smoke that shit. Then I want to put on a pair of sunglasses and walk around all fucked up. The sunglasses are so no one knows I am high of course.
I've been mimicking the action of smoking for quite some time now. I need to do something deviant to balance out the mundane life I am leading right now.
I think that is why I got so drunk the weekend before last. I needed a release and unfortunately getting drunk was the best thing I could come up with.
I must say that the gym is a huge help. I get out a lot of aggression there. It is a great release and I feel fuckin' great when I'm workin' out and my musceles are pushed to the limit. It's similar to having an orgasm. Lately when I masturbate I flex at the point of ejaculation to make my muscles tight. It makes for some powerful orgasms. This is something new that has started since I've developed large muscles. I didn't do it when I was having sex.
I think that if I wasn't living at home with my parents I would have broken down already and smoked. It has been 2 years and 4 months since I last smoked. It has been a struggle every fuckin' day. I have worked hard at it and don't want to throw all that hard work away. I'm an addict to weed and I don't want to go back to that point in my life.
I do wonder how much of my not smoking has to do with the fact that I'm living with my parents. A big part. In a way I guess they have helped me to not smoke eventhough they don't know it. I always thought I never really relied on other people but you know what, I do rely on my parents for this. I realize that now and I don't think that it is such a bad thing. We ALL rely on other people wether we know it or not. There isn't anything wrong with that. My only fear is that I relapse after I move out. I have to work at being stronger in mind so that when I do move out I can be sure that I don't give in to temptation.

I think I can stay strong.


I am sitting at my desk at work right now. I'll be getting up soon to get a sandwich from the fridge to eat at my desk. After I eat that sandwich I sure to fall into a deep food coma of unmentionable proportions.
I am right now, in a sort of zombie like state. I haven't been sleeping well the past couple of days and I feel exhausted. This just adds to the fact that I feel like the past 3 weeks have just passed by in a blur of work and school. It might have been even more than 3 weeks, I'm not sure. I don't even know which day it is anymore and nor does it really matter. Each day is like the last and I don't feel compelled to make any drastic changes. Instead I just drift along through time and space in a sort of haze.
I have my head down and am just being dragged along by time. Everything around is hazy and everyone's voices are muffled. Nothing is really alive and nothing is really dead. I'm not really alive and I'm not really dead. I don't know if you've ever been in this state before but I feel like I have tunnel vision. My eyes aren't really open to the world and I am missing out on everything that is going on around me.
Through all of this shit, all I really want to do is sleep. I would like nothing better than to curl up into bed and take a nice, long, warm, cozy, comfortable nap. This is all that would make me really happy right now. A warm shower and then a slide into warm sheets tucked under a heavy comforter.
It makes me sad because I'm missing out on all that is going on around me. Opportunities, people, friends, events. Everything. I want to come out of this haze. I need to come out of this haze and motivate. I know that there must be a way for me to but it hasn't occurred to me yet. I want to feel alive.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Slow Adventures in Slothville

Slow Adventures in Slothville

Miss Sloth is hugely entertaining on a daily basis. Check her shit out.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Insanity Now...Serenity Later

Insanity Now...Serenity Later

This is Laura's blog. She always keeps things interesting. I don't have a link section otherwise I would put it up there, so you, my many readers can view the blogs I frequent.

Monday, October 11, 2004

1967 Lincoln Continental Convertible

This is a beauty of a car. 4 door drop top with suicide doors. This will be my next car. It's a classic and looks pimp. It's much better than getting a Japanese car that everyone else has. This would just be for cruisin' around as I already have my motorcycle for my speed kick.

Sunday night movie

I met up with "Kim" for a movie last night. I hate using these pseudonames! You know what? I'm going to change around my whole naming scheme. I met up with LaQueefa for a movie last night. Shark's Tale. It was good but I think it could have been better. They should have made it a little darker. Especially with the involvement of the mob, and DeNiro, who was classic.
We sat in my car after the movie and talked for about an hour. She's very pretty but I get the impression that she's a princess. If things don't go her way she bitches. It's alright because that gives me a reason to make fun of her and I make a point of calling her out on it every time.